This Halloween we may not be able to celebrate in the ways we are used to. The biggest loss will be felt with the cancelation of many haunted attractions. FEAR not faithful reader. There is a way to give your spouse a few good jump scares at home! As a warning, your spouse or partner’s instincts may be to kick or knee you in the junk. For reference, I have added a Junk Damage Warning scale from 1-10. Happy scaring!
THE ‘OL SWITCHEROO
Maybe you went to sleep earlier than your spouse 😉 Put some pillows, sheets, or clothes under the blanket on your side of the bed. Then, hide in a closet or ensuite bathroom. Wait for your spouse to come in and give you a sweet goodnight kiss then ascend from your hide hole and scare the bejesus out of them! Junk damage warning of 6.
THE CONTORTIONIST
Perhaps you have a tummy ache or you’re so exhausted that you are lying face down. Turn your hoodie and pants around so that the hood is over your face. Lay down on your back, with your arms hanging back, so it looks like you are laying on your stomach. Once your spouse comes in to check on you…sit up! You will look like you are bending the wrong way! Junk Damage warning: 7
THE FROZEN STARE
Someone looking for a late-night nibble? Put a fake head in the fridge before your boo returns. For an even better result hide it behind their favorite snack. Don’t forget to position yourself in a good vantage point to view the results. Junk Damage warning: 1
THE UNINVITED PASSENGER
There are two good ways to pull this one-off. 1) The medium con. Wait in the backseat of your spouse’s car. Perhaps under some clothes, blankets, paper, etc. Once they come in to start the car, you pounce! NOTE: Works best before they start the car. Married to horror is not responsible for fender benders. 2) The long con: This requires you to have a good relationship with your spouse’s friends. Hide in your friend’s backseat, wait for them to pick up your spouse, and drive away. Once your spouse is in a false state of security, you pounce! Junk damage warning: 8 (retroactively)
ATTACK OF THE SOCKS
Nothing gives us more joy as a child than to offer our friends some peanuts only to have a spring-loaded snake pop out and attack. Let’s take it up a notch. Get as many springs as you can find and put those suckers inside your spouse’s socks. Carefully compress and load them into the sock drawer. The next time your spouses toesies get cold, stand back and watch as they get pounced on by their knitted attackers. Junk damage warning: 5
WHO’S THAT IN THE WINDOW?
No one likes a peeper. Stand outside a window that is highly trafficked by your spouse. That’s it. At some point, they will walk by and you will scare the crap out of them. Patience is the key here. (Not advisable for second-floor windows) Junk damage warning: 0 This requires that you stay outside until they have cooled down.) Risk of neighbors calling the police: 6
HAND ME MY COAT
It’s getting chilly, better put on a coat. Find an old jacket in the closet or at a thrift store that you are willing to put a big hole in. Put a big hole in it. Specifically in the back of the sleeve. Stand in the back of the closet and put your arm through the hole, so that your hand comes out of the front of the sleeve. Wait for them to grab for a jacket, and a jacket will grab back! Junk damage warning: 9
THE CLONE
The buddy system is great, but we are not all seeing them right now. This one requires a friend or a dummy, depending on your safety level. Your spouse loves you and knows every inch of your face, or do they? Spend time with them for a while, as you should, because you are a good spouse. Wait until they leave the room for a moment. Put your friend or dummy (They may be both, I don’t know your friends) in the same clothes and position you were in when your spouse left the room. Then, get out. Once they come back in, it will take a few seconds before their brain catches up and then the shock will come in! Junk damage warning: Yourself and dummy 0. Your friend 7.
THE PERSON YOU ARE SITTING WITH IS NOT WHO YOU THINK THEY ARE
This is more of a slow burn than a pop-out scare. Also, you may lose some trust, so proceed with caution. When given a chance, take your spouse’s phone. Replace the contact name of a friend’s number with your name. Walk out of the room and have your friend call your spouse. It will say that the call is from you. Either have your friend play a prerecorded message from you or talk in a low voiced impression of you. Have them tell your spouse that the person in your house is not who they think it is. Then walk back in while they are still on the phone call. They will be thinking about that one for a while. Junk damage warning: 4 Divorce damage warning: 7
GHOST OF THE DVD SHELF
Let’s face it, you keep meaning to go digital, but there is nothing like looking over the same 300 DVD’s you’ve had for 20 years. So use them! Attach fishing wire to a bunch of them. Once you and the spouse are sitting on the couch, give the first one a little tug. “That was weird. It must have been loose.” Then another, and another. Once those beloved treasures start popping out Poltergeist style, your spouse will be running for the hills. Junk damage warning: 0 Having to clean up the DVDs warning: 10
Did you use one of are methods and film it? Send us a video and we may feature it on the site!
WARNING
Married To Horror is not responsible for any damage done to you or your spouse’s junk. Please scare responsibly.
